I hate it when I can’t sleep at night and I’m just lying in bed staring at the darkness then suddenly thoughts come rushing in my head like wild fire. It’s already 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep … Then suddenly this thought occurred to me or rather this question has been bothering me all week … “what do I want?”
My dad has been asking me this question since he came home. I always answered “I don’t know” but now I know why I keep on answering I don’t know to that question. I keep on answering no to that question because there’s too much that I want. There are so many things I want to have and experience.
For example a career path I chose MMA as a course because it’s a mixture of different kind of modern art. I don’t even know what career or profession or job I will get out of this course, all I know is I like and that is all that really matters to me. And for me it seems more like a hobby than a degree or something like you know... Some people say that you choose your course in accordance to what you want your career would be. But me I chose MMA because I thought it would be fun and it would focus less on academics it would focus on practical things. And I also chose it to get my dad off my back to show him that I have improved a little that I figured out something that I want for my life. But if the truth be told I still don’t know what I want all I know is that I don’t want to live poor … poor as in working my butt all day and get a little amount in return, poor as in not having any food at the dining table I don’t want to suffer that kind of downfall someday. I want to live wealthy and enjoy the best things life can offer someday. I want to be looked up to. I want people to see me as someone special, not just any order girl they see every day I them to look at me and then they’ll say “that girl is really something”. But then again I want to live peaceful life, a life free from reality’s drama, a life where everyone tells the truth no pretense and what not. There are just so many things I want that seem so impossible to get. This is one of the reason I keep on telling people that I don’t know what I want they might laugh at me and tell me I’m out of my mind, and that they’ll tell me the truth that what I want is really impossible to get and that I can’t always get what I want and it will hurt me. I want to always get what I want. I want to get everything I want with just a flick of my fingers. I know I may seem shallow for wanting this but I’m sick and tired of waiting in the shadows waiting for my chance to get something really awesome out of life while other people are just there having the things they want I’m just watching the with pure envy building inside of me. I know envy is not a good thing that’s why I try to live with things that I have and make the most out of them but I realized it’s really hard to want everything when you have nothing to start with. It’s like trying to make a baby with sticks and papers it might look like one but there’s no life in it. It will just end up useless and a piece of crap. They took everything from me … My perfect family, my dad that used to so caring and intelligent and now I don’t know if I still have the chance of getting what I want everything seems so dim and blurry I don’t know what will happen to me in the future But now all I know is that I want to finish this course that I have chosen I will do my best to make a bright future for myself and let God guide me where He wants me to be, who knows someday things will turn out different from what it is now, maybe someday I’d marry someone I really love and have great kids build my own perfect little family I’ll never EVER make the same mistakes my parents did I won’t let my future kids suffer from what I am experiencing now and/or maybe I’d someday I’d be a famous personality I’d be rich I’ll help other people and stuffs. Someday I’ll be someone great, It might not be my time now but I know one of these day I’ll get a chance do great stuffs that will lead me to a life that I have always wanted and then my parents, friends& all those people who knows me and God will be proud of me. :) I just hope I don’t screw things up. <3
For example a career path I chose MMA as a course because it’s a mixture of different kind of modern art. I don’t even know what career or profession or job I will get out of this course, all I know is I like and that is all that really matters to me. And for me it seems more like a hobby than a degree or something like you know... Some people say that you choose your course in accordance to what you want your career would be. But me I chose MMA because I thought it would be fun and it would focus less on academics it would focus on practical things. And I also chose it to get my dad off my back to show him that I have improved a little that I figured out something that I want for my life. But if the truth be told I still don’t know what I want all I know is that I don’t want to live poor … poor as in working my butt all day and get a little amount in return, poor as in not having any food at the dining table I don’t want to suffer that kind of downfall someday. I want to live wealthy and enjoy the best things life can offer someday. I want to be looked up to. I want people to see me as someone special, not just any order girl they see every day I them to look at me and then they’ll say “that girl is really something”. But then again I want to live peaceful life, a life free from reality’s drama, a life where everyone tells the truth no pretense and what not. There are just so many things I want that seem so impossible to get. This is one of the reason I keep on telling people that I don’t know what I want they might laugh at me and tell me I’m out of my mind, and that they’ll tell me the truth that what I want is really impossible to get and that I can’t always get what I want and it will hurt me. I want to always get what I want. I want to get everything I want with just a flick of my fingers. I know I may seem shallow for wanting this but I’m sick and tired of waiting in the shadows waiting for my chance to get something really awesome out of life while other people are just there having the things they want I’m just watching the with pure envy building inside of me. I know envy is not a good thing that’s why I try to live with things that I have and make the most out of them but I realized it’s really hard to want everything when you have nothing to start with. It’s like trying to make a baby with sticks and papers it might look like one but there’s no life in it. It will just end up useless and a piece of crap. They took everything from me … My perfect family, my dad that used to so caring and intelligent and now I don’t know if I still have the chance of getting what I want everything seems so dim and blurry I don’t know what will happen to me in the future But now all I know is that I want to finish this course that I have chosen I will do my best to make a bright future for myself and let God guide me where He wants me to be, who knows someday things will turn out different from what it is now, maybe someday I’d marry someone I really love and have great kids build my own perfect little family I’ll never EVER make the same mistakes my parents did I won’t let my future kids suffer from what I am experiencing now and/or maybe I’d someday I’d be a famous personality I’d be rich I’ll help other people and stuffs. Someday I’ll be someone great, It might not be my time now but I know one of these day I’ll get a chance do great stuffs that will lead me to a life that I have always wanted and then my parents, friends& all those people who knows me and God will be proud of me. :) I just hope I don’t screw things up. <3
XOXO
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